Old-Fashioned Fun by Devil Doll
Summary: "Oh crap, they took my clothes."
Categories: Stargate Atlantis Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay
Series: None
Chapters: 1 Completed: Yes Word count: 1316 Read: 5489 Published: 09/20/2006 Updated: 09/20/2006
Story Notes:
Written for the Summercon Hodge Podge challenge. Also inspired by the fact that apparently Rodney still thinks John is an intergalactic space slut. Prompt: "Stargate: Atlantis, things to do when there’s no power."

1. Chapter 1 by Devil Doll

Chapter 1 by Devil Doll

Old-Fashioned Fun

When he woke up, Rodney had only one thing on his mind: Oh crap, they took my clothes.

He was, unfortunately, getting used to being knocked out and taken captive, but he'd never been stripped before. Stripped while unconscious! his brain added hysterically.

After taking a few deep breaths and reassuring himself all his body parts felt intact and unpenetrated, he decided he shouldn't be surprised it had finally happened. He rubbed his head and tried to get his bearings, wincing when he hit a tender spot near his ear.

It was very, very dark, wherever he was. So dark he couldn't actually see the brick wall he was leaning against, and it took him a few minutes to work up the nerve to start feeling around. He cautiously slid his hand out along the floor.




Wet! Ew!

Slimy! Ew!

He was frantically scraping his hand clean on the wall when he heard a soft groan somewhere off to his left, and while he was incredibly grateful to hear John was with him, he did realize it was the slightest bit pathetic that he'd been able to recognize him by the tiniest of sounds.


"Rodney?" John's voice sounded a little hoarse. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, yes, fine. You?"

"I'm good."


There was a moment of silence and then John said, "Are you…?"

"Naked? Very much so, yes."

"Huh," John said, and Rodney thought he could hear him rubbing his hand through his hair. "This is different."

John spent a few minutes fumbling around in the dark before he announced there was no way out.

"Figures," Rodney said glumly, hugging his knees and trying not to shiver. He almost wished he'd stayed unconscious a little longer. At least he hadn't realized how cold he was.

"All right. We'll think of a way out," John said, sounding disgustingly chipper.

"And by 'we' you mean 'me,'" Rodney said.


"I don't have any tools or any equipment," Rodney reminded him. "I don't even have my *underwear*."

"Ronon and Teyla probably got away," John said after a few seconds. "They'll find us and bust us out."

"So we wait."

John's voice sounded closer to the floor, like maybe he'd lain back down. "We wait."

Naked waiting *sucked*.

Rodney was fighting a losing battle with his chattering teeth, and even John, who had started out obnoxiously whistling every jaunty tune he knew, had eventually succumbed to the dismal and uncomfortable atmosphere, and was shivering noisily.

"Don't they teach you to be stealthy in the military?" Rodney asked, trying to shove himself further back in the corner. The bricks were cold and damp, but he was trying to make himself as small as possible, as it was marginally warmer.

"It's not like the assholes who took us don't know where we are. They put us here." John had moved again, and was now somewhere along the wall to Rodney's right. "And I can't help it if I'm cold."

Rodney was too busy checking his toes for frostbite to make a body hair joke.

"You know what?" Rodney announced, "I quit."

John groaned. "You quit what?"

"Going offworld. I've had it! Every time I run into an indigenous resident of the Pegasus galaxy, bad stuff happens. I've been shot at, beat up, tortured, held hostage--more than once!--and ended up with Cadman in my head. And let's not forget the time I almost got eaten by a giant volcano, the time I took an arrow in the ass, or the time I got strung up by my ankle, which reminds me of a whole host of bad things having to do with Ford, by the way. And oh, I just remembered the forced jumper repair in the penal colony."

"Crappy stuff happens to all of us, Rodney."

"Says the guy who gets laid every time we go offworld."

"I do not!"

Rodney let his silence speak for itself.

"Not *every* time," John amended.

"Three times. Three that I *know of*. You know how many times I've gotten laid? Zero!" Before John could reply he added, "No thanks to you!"

"What does that mean? Oh! And I turned into a bug!"

"Okay, I'll give you the bug thing," Rodney said grudgingly.

"You might also recall I was fed on--repeatedly--by a Wraith. And it's not like you've been suffering alone--I've been with you for a lot of that stuff. Just like I am now."

"Yes, yes, you win," Rodney said. Leave it to John to be better at *everything*

Unsurprisingly, John didn't let it go. "What about the nanites?" he said. "That was in Atlantis. Man, I'm going numb." It sounded like he was trying to rub the circulation into some part of his body. A very hairy part.

"That was an exception."

"And we almost died on the Daedalus that time. And the Aurora." More rubbing. "*I* even shot you once, which you never let me forget."

"Okay, fine! It's dangerous everywhere. I don't want to talk about it anymore." And he really wished John would stop touching himself so loudly.

"You don't want to talk about it because you know I'm right." Rodney could *feel* the smirk.

"Stop talking. You're making me colder."


"Freezing! Shut up!"

"Can I talk now?" John's voice was startlingly close, and Rodney jolted upright. He'd either dozed off or been in the early stages of death by freezing his balls off.

"Of course you can." He hadn't actually expected John to be so compliant anyway.

The silence stretched on, interrupted only by the slow drip drip drip of what was undoubtedly a disgusting and disease-causing fluid somewhere in the cell.

"I thought you wanted to talk," Rodney said finally.

More quiet, and then John said, "What if you did get laid when you went offworld?"

"Impossible, if you're around." Rodney didn't even try to hide his bitterness.

"You keep saying that, and I don't know what the hell you mean."

"Oh, like you don't. The last time a woman was interested in me, you started chasing after her like a dog in heat. You can't stand anyone getting the girl but you. Therefore, when you're around: impossible."

John said, "Hmm." Now he sounded *really* close. It was probably just his imagination, but Rodney thought he could feel John's body heat, warm and tempting next to him. "I wouldn't say *impossible*," John said. His cold fingers landed on Rodney's knee and felt around until he got his bearings, making Rodney flinch. He'd just been warming up, dammit. Before he could complain, John's hand began drifting down along the inside of his thigh, easing Rodney's legs apart, and then...hello, Colonel.

Rodney's dick immediately popped up to welcome John's hand to the neighborhood, and John returned the greeting with enthusiasm. Rodney's overloaded brain could barely register the fact that he was being groped in the dark by Colonel Sheppard, which was probably why it took him so long to work out what John meant.

"You mean laid by *you*," he managed to choke out as John's warm hand--no problem with chilly fingers now--slid pleasantly up and down.

John's voice was low and scratchy in Rodney's ear. "If you're nice to me, I promise I won't tell anyone how long it took you to figure that out," he said, and Rodney felt around until he found John's leg, then John's hip, and then he concentrated on wiping that smirk right off John's face.

"I think there's something slimy on my elbow," John said a little later.

Rodney shifted a little, trying to get as much skin-to-skin contact as he could. So *warm*. "Mmm. Probably."

"So you aren't quitting, right?"

"I wasn't going to quit. I was just cold."

"Being cold is your excuse for everything."



The End

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